Phew. I nearly took out a tire and most of my car’s undercarriage. The crater on a busy, narrow road was unavoidable. Fortunately, there doesn’t appear to be any damage. I’m grateful that I was able to maintain control…of my car and my emotions. In most places, roads in disrepair are a sign of spring in the aftermath of harsh winters. Where I live, they’re a year-round hazardous nuisance. Navigating holes is a way of life.
Navigating holes is a way of life. Image by Siggy Nowak from Pixabay.
The same week as the pothole incident, 3 consecutive client sessions revealed holes. Not potholes or holes in jeans, or even in tires. Their disorganization woes traced to holes in the fabric of their lives. Like the potholes, these holes were wreaking constant havoc.
As a home organizer, I witness the fallout from an assortment of emotional holes resulting from abuse, neglect, loss of a loved one, loss of employment, loss of a relationship, loss of a home, loss of income, loss of a lifestyle, and a history of familial poverty. Granted, from a psychology and neurology perspective, this lay person’s hypothesis may be oversimplified, but here’s what happened with one client, I’ll call her “Alice”. Is her story your story?
Alice**
Alice is highly creative, proud of her near Mensa IQ, and very caring. While she decodes complex professional assignments, she has struggled for years to make sense of her purchasing habits. When she initially contacted me, she lamented that her small home was bursting. It was built with minimal storage areas. Those spots were immediately consumed when she and her partner moved in. Over time, the house has become maxxed out with clutter, so they invested in an off-site storage unit. Their bank account is perpetually tapped out despite both having respectable income. The lack of money, space, and unrestrained purchases has created discord in their relationship. She’s worked with a string of organizers in the past with no luck. She was certain her ADHD was getting in the way. She thought back to one organizer who pointed out that there seemed to be countless duplicate items and unopened package deliveries. She figured it was her inability to track what she’s bought or how to manage the products that keep arriving.
After working together for a few weeks and noting an off-the-cuff mention of a strained relationship with her mom, hinting at childhood neglect, she acted upon my suggestion to seek professional counseling. This sparked a curious determination to see what might be behind her irrepressible purchasing habit. The therapist helped her unlock indications of neglect as a child and patterns of emotional abuse that continue now in her middle age years.
The places where love and caring should have been, she tried unsuccessfully to compensate with stuff. Then more stuff. No matter how much she crammed into her home, the hole didn’t close. She felt like it grew wider as the years went on.
Once they began addressing this emptiness, she and I were able to determine what she truly valued or needed, and let go of extraneous stuff. She found the discipline to give her credit card a breather. She expressed a cosmic sense of relief as she didn’t have to make decisions about which incoming box to open, and where to put the contents. She felt like her relationship with her partner was expanding as her stuff was shrinking, and their bank account was rebuilding. Next up, the off-site storage in the hopes of letting that go. She’s psyched that she’ll save more money each month without the storage fee. She realized that many of the boxes living there haven’t been opened in over 20 years since they moved in. What are the chances she’ll want anything in them? That remains to be seen. Baby steps.
Do You Have Unaddressed Holes?
If you feel inexplicable yearning or resort to addictive behaviors, could you be harboring unaddressed holes? I’m not a medical practitioner, so please don’t read any of this blog as a diagnosis or therapeutic treatment. Instead, use this information as a contextual conversation starter with your mental or physical health practitioner.
Identified Holes
Once holes are identified, they need mindful filling. When holes are under-filled, overfilled or filled with the wrong substances, discontent grows.
Under-Filled Holes
Like the crater my car encountered, when a hole is unfilled or underfilled, your road is bumpy. Imagine not having enough food, clothing, shelter, time, money, well-care, or fulfilling relationships. Lack of basics causes discomfort and yearning. Lack may also cause distress when higher level needs and wants aren’t satisfied such as the desire for a baby, career advancement, or experiencing self-worth. Even if the hole isn’t enormous or profound, a hole is still a hole. A pothole is still a pothole. A small cavity still hurts. An emotional hole in your heart, causes heartache. You might not be able to put your finger on what’s missing or when it started; yet, consciously or subconsciously emptiness persists. And then sometimes we mis-fill holes or overcompensate by overfilling.
Overfilled Holes
Watch out for overfilled holes. Dangerous heaping piles of gravel and tar that cause your car to go nearly airborne. Navigating through excess in your home is overwhelming and sometimes hazardous. Untamed stuff leaves no storage space, spawns surface and visual clutter, tripping hazards, bank account depletion, relationship acrimony, and so on. Overflowing calendars, ensure we stay busily distracted from any holes. They’re also responsible for unhealthy stress, no time for self-care, and complicate time and task management. Staying manageably busy is helpful when our minds need useful distractions. Driving ourselves batty with stress-inducing non-stop commitments is deleterious to our physical and mental health.
Mis-Filled Holes
Getting back to the pothole analogy (again), suppose crews filled roadway pits with marbles, eggs, or jelly beans. Yikes, the roads will still be hazardous. Mis-filled holes bring temporary comfort. Strudel did for me. Ah, deliciously decadent, soothing my weariness when I was beyond mental and physical exhaustion. Was I trying to fill a hole? Turns out yes. Once the pastries were gone, the hole still dragged me down with the benefit of bloating and a sugar crash. Attempts to erroneously fill emotional holes with luxury goods, foods, alcohol, mind-altering substances, illicit liaisons, gambling, or uncontrolled purchases leave those holes intact while simultaneously creating hardships for the body, mind, wallet, and relationships. What do you fill an emotional hole with? For each person, each situation that will be different. Heaping quantities of self-worth, opportunities to fully grieve, self-compassion, caring, purpose, these are a few. Where do you find these elusive ingredients? The good news is they’re already inside you, chances are they’re misplaced.
Repairing Holes
Repairing holes is a process, and you can do it. I’m working on my persnickety hole. Boy, it’s not easy, each setback is discouraging. Getting whole is well worth the effort. Try these steps.
1. Be Curious
When unwelcome behaviors start or persist tenaciously, it's time to get curious. Tune in. Tap into your strengths. Start with your senses.
Find a place where you won't be disturbed and your mind is free to be still or merely observe. Take a run, walk in nature, jump in the shower, immerse in a comfy chair on your deck. Close your eyes if that helps. Breathe deliberately. Simply notice. What happens when you think about the behavior you'd like to change?
Feel for sensations or reactions within your body. A pit in your stomach. Shoulders tensing. Back aching. What clues do they provide? Think back. Have you noticed patterns? A particular thought, situation, or person triggering that feeling? I noticed the strudel craving whenever I ruminated about a recent negative event.
See images in your mind. Who pops up? Where's the location? What's the time period? Are you an adult or child?
Listen for words from your inner voice or others. What have they noticed? Has a friend pointed out that every phone call with your ex leads to online purchases?
Inner wisdom may or may not come to light. When you're done, allow yourself enough time to process before running off to the next thing. If you suspect that this exercise may reveal buried traumatic events, hold off until you can schedule time with a mental health practitioner to support you through the aftermath.
To repair a hole, you need to recognize it exists. You may not be able to do this on your own. We often miss what’s under our noses let alone something buried deep, very deep. Like a foul smell that we’ve grown used to, it's there, others notice it when they walk in the door, we've become immune. If you’ve seen any of the hoarding situation tv shows, were you surprised when the resident said that they didn’t notice the teetering stacks and piles? They showed no recognition of any hazards. They couldn’t understand why others were overreacting.
Although every project and person is unique, the majority of hoarding jobs I’ve worked on involved a hole that was the product of traumatic occurrences. Sadly, no matter how much we mis-fill those spaces with things, the pit stays bottomless, the pain endures.
2. Reach Out for Help
Turn to an outside perspective if you're not getting anywhere. Who’s in your support system to lend a hand? Family member, confidant, colleague? They’re ideal if the hole is obvious and needs a slight adjustment like the friend who notices perpetual purchases after "ex" conversations. Otherwise, seek professional intervention. Work with a counselor, therapist, health practitioner, coach, organizer, or a combination of professionals. The right tools, supports, and techniques lead to greater success.
Share with them any insights that you've had. Those could unlock entry into the challenge at hand.
Seek professional assistance for a diagnosis and treatment
Regardless, vet the professional to ensure that they are suited for the job. For example, if ADHD symptoms complicate the size and duration of the hole, ensure that whoever you choose is familiar with adult ADHD diagnosing and treatments. Equally important, ensure compatibility. Honesty, trust, vulnerability, and open communication are essential to make headway. If you’re not “feeling it”, you won’t have the desire to do the work.
3. Don’t Give Up Hope
Clients frequently confess that they’ve worked with a string of practitioners, tried a host of medications, organized, and reorganized yet still haven’t discovered the magic to sustained success. What worked for your child, friend, spouse isn’t guaranteed to be right for you. In fact, the recipe may include a blend of ingredients including therapy, medications, behavior modification, self-care rituals, and so on. Getting a super complicated recipe right on the first try is a rarity. It takes tinkering and practice to get into a groove. Brain-based medications take tweaking to get the right prescription and dosage along with continuous adjustments as time goes on.
Stay Vigilant
Once you’ve made reparation progress and you’re in the groove, keep a watchful eye out for new or undiscovered holes. Don’t obsess or stress about it, simply notice. They’re bound to crop up like a fresh batch of potholes each spring while old, unrepaired holes deepen and devastate.
**Permission granted with anonymity.
